The Faeries Ruined
by CrazyRabidPony
Summary: A parody of the Faeries' Ruined Plot. Join a sexy young thief as he and a group of... heroes embark on an epic journey to rescue the faeries.
1. Chapter One

Pony: Hooray! A parody! Disclaim, Disclaimer Dude!

Disclaimer Dude: Pony doesn't own Neopets or any references that may appear.

Pony: But I doooo own my faerie Grarrl character Rorik.

**The Faeries Ruined (A Parody of the Faeries' Ruin Plot)**

_Chapter One_

Good day, everyone! I know many of you have read good ol' Itsy spoofs and that she is doing one of this plot. But she's cool with me doing one, cause we are homies!

…

_Homies_! Not _homos_! … Anyway! On with da plot! Muahahaha!

Tis such a bright and sunny day like it usually was in Faerieland, but today was especially bright and sunny because this particular day was the happy, joyous, sunshiney day of the Faerie Festival. Too bad all the faeries turned to stone.

"Well, this sucks…" muttered a shady and quite sexy young Ixi as he looked on with disappointment at the fossilized bling on the frozen Faerie Queen's neck. Bringing his hands to the necklace that was clearly attached to Fyora's neck, he gave it a tug in a sad attempt to remove it. "Dang nabbit, stuck. Maybe if I got a jackhammer or something…"

The handsome young thief brought his fingers to his chin as he pondered over the situation. "Nah, no one buys common stone jewelry anymore except for old ladies. Oh, well, there's gotta be more blingage around here somewhere."

That was when a tacky little purse magically materialized out of nowhere behind him. By the way, his name is Hanso, kay?

"Sweet! Come to Sexy Stickyhands!" Hanso dove at the purse and began rummaging his sexy sticky hands through its contents. "Hmm… necklace… makeup… tampons? Might as well take them in case I wanna change my gender and identity," the thief said while he grinned deviously to himself as he pocketed the items, thinking what a great thief he was and how beautiful a woman he would be someday.

"Are we there yet?" came a whiny voice.

"How many times do I have to tell you? Almost!" came another voice that was not so whiny and was very kingly.

"Crap! It's da po-po!" Out of panic at getting caught stealing stuffs, Hanso did the manliest thing he could do and he hid behind a stone faerie.

"Just as I had feared when I received the news from my Neofriends! The faeries have been turned to stone…" A tall and wise-looking Lupe with a very long beard that would look fabulous braided arrived with a few guards accompanying him. All hail King Altador!

"Duuurr… Oh, look! Some jewelry and tampons are scattered on the ground and they lead to that stone faerie, I wonder if there's a thief somewhere?" A red and stupid-looking Skeith pointed at the trail Hanso had dropped when he made that manly dive behind the stone faerie.

"Don't be stupid! Thieves are only a myth!" the green Draik beside the Skeith smacked him over the head with his helmet.

"Duuurr! You give Gobo brain damage! Gobo smash you someday when you're not looking!" the Skeith sneered with a look of vengence in his eyes.

"Hallo, King Altador!" An orange Kougra suddenly appeared at the entrance of the faerie garden, startling the men before her.

"GIRL SCOUT!" the king of Altador shouted, drawing his sword to slice the Kougra's pretty little head off.

"I'm not a Girl Scout, you senile old bastard!" the Kougra hissed, causing the trio of males to withdraw several feet from her and wet their armor. "I am Brynn and King Hagan of Brightvale has sent me because he was pissed that he couldn't get his free faerie item."

"Can you kick ass?" King Altador asked as he ordered one of his guards to fetch him a new pair of trousers.

"Hellz yeah!"

"Then King Hagan is wise to have concerned himself with the faeries even though he never really had much to do with them," the king nodded in approval.

"The hell is SHE doing here?" Hanso mused a little too loudly from his hiding spot.

"DISEMBODIED VOICES!" the mighty king cowered in fear, rewetting his pants.

"I'm gonna point out the obvious and say that even Queen Fyora has been frozen into stone…" Brynn stated with obviousness as she looked over the Faerie Queen the way a lesbian looks at another hot chick.

"Duuurrr…. I'm gonna guess that the Darkest Faerie somehow came back and did this!" the Skeith declared, getting another whap to the head by the Draik's helmet.

"So has everybody else! Shut up!"

"Even though I am all wise and stuff, my mind has been boggle-ified!" King Altador commented as he put on a clean pair of trousers.

That was when Hanso leaped out from behind the faerie.

"GIRL SCOUT!" the Lupe shouted again, drawing his sword once more with Brynn and his guards doing the same.

"I am not a Girl Scout, I am a thief and I was stealing stuff from these stoned faeries. And I am here to save the day!" Hanso said in his defense, before putting up his arms and a smile that made his future fan girls convulse in ecstasy. "Or if you don't want my help, it's all good. _The Golden Girls_ is on later anyways."

"Hanso, you no good son of a bitch! What are YOU doing here?" Brynn demanded, even though the Ixi already explained what he had been doing earlier.

"You know this devilishly handsome boy?" King Altador asked, even though Brynn had addressed him by name.

"Yeah, we crossed paths when I tossed him in the dungeons for stealing my panties."

"Hey, those were some fiiiine silk."

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" came an entirely new voice. Everyone turned their attention to see a fine mid-shot of the sezzy-licious Jazan.

"ZOMG JAZAN!"

"Damn straight, fooz!" The Kyrii strode over to the young thief, grasping onto his coat and lifting him off his feet. "You can't trust this guy, I followed him cause I saw him steal jewels from the poor womenz and candy from babies! How are children suppose to develop the proper sugar rush to annoy their parents without their precious candy?"

"Hanso, you suck!" Brynn declared with a look of scorn.

"We came to get our free items, that why you're here too, Jazan?" King Altador asked the sexy Kyrii.

"Yeppers," Jazan nodded, letting go of Hanso and allowing him to fall onto his sensitive and spankable bottom. "Jazan not happy."

"I say we all be gullible idiots and listen to what a conniving thief has to say," Brynn suggested.

"Kay, but if you lie to me, I'll do something really mean to you!" the old Lupe scowled, jabbing Hanso in the chest.

"Okie dokie, now let's talk about da moneh. I'm not having any specials today, but on Tuesdays, I take fifty percent off of all my fees, so you guys better have a lot of moolah."

"Ah, hell naw!" Yet again, sharp objects were held up dangerously close to Hanso's throat.

"Okay! Fine… cheapskates…"


	2. Chapter Two

Pony: Hooray for chapter two!

Disclaimer Dude: Pony doesn't own Neopets or any references that may appear in this parody.

**The Faeries Ruined (A Parody of the Faeries' Ruin Plot)**

_Chapter Two_

Last time, we found our little anti-hero about to get his throat jabbed in various places by very pointy and sharp objects if he didn't tell our heroes what he saw when the faeries turned to stone. That is until they decided that threatening the Ixi with their swords was too cliché and they decided to take more drastic measures.

Now helplessly chained up by his arms and legs and given a few jolts in the ribs with cattle prods, Hanso was ready to talk without receiving payment. "All right! I'll talk! I'll talk!"

"You gave in at the end of the last chapter, why the hell did you change your mind in the beginning of this chapter?" the king of Qasala demanded, a thorned whip magically appearing in his hand because that is how awesome he is.

"I have six dozen children to feed…" the thief responded, his eyes watering up and his bottom lip quivering in attempt to manipulate his assailants. It did not work and they proceeded to beat the crap out of him.

Bruised and crying like an infant by the time the punishment ended, Hanso was ready to talk. "All right, y'all! I'mma tell ya what happened, and there is no way that I'm gonna leave out anything important!"

"Get on with it!" Brynn hissed, brandishing her spiked mace of doom.

"Okay, okay! Here's what happened…" Hanso began, pausing to clear his throat in an unnecessarily dramatic fashion before continuing. "It was a beautiful day in Faerieland. The sun was shining, the faerie Petpets were gathered around singing to me cause I had convinced them that I was Simon Cowwel and I would be able to get them a record deal… suckers. I was skipping merrily-I mean… doing my manly stride cause I'm a sexy manly man, and I do not skip cause that is what girls do, and-"

"GET ON WITH IT!" the livid group roared, sending the Ixi flying several feet away.

"OKAY! Anyways… I was doing my manly skip through the pretty flowers, on my way to the Faerie Festival to dress up like one of them and jack their valuables-I mean, join in the celebration. As I was about to apply my makeup, who should I see but… HUBRID NOX lurking about the Faerieland garden in plain sight, and none of the faeries seemed to have noticed him… How are flowers and trees able to grow when the ground is nothing but clouds? If you ask me, that-"

"Hanso! Stick to the story and stop questioning the logic in the Neopian universe!" the Kougra snapped, whacking the thief over the head with her spiked mace.

After recovering from the blow, Hanso glared menacingly at the female. "Maybe YOU would like to tell the story!"

"I WASN'T THERE! I mean HERE!" she shot back.

"Oh, how convenient… Anyway… I was stalking Nox to see what he was up to…"

_The notorious Hubrid Nox held up a very shiny object that made Hanso very much want to steal it from his fingerless hands, and he let out a declaration of "I'mma free Neopia from them winged bitches!" Of course the young thief wasn't paying much attention since he was too busy plotting on how he could snatch the pretty shiny from the evil Chia when he wasn't looking._

_Snapping Hanso from his thoughts with his obnoxious evil laughter Nox confronted the flock of faeries with a threatening, "BEHOLD! MY COMPACT MIRROR OF DEATH!" and he went into a musical chant that sounded like a very familiar song from an animated Disney film._

_"Salagadoola mechika boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!_

_Put eet togetha' an' look whatchu got!_

_Loopiddi-doopidi-doop!_

_Salacamadoo machikka daloo shloopidy-doopity-doo!_

_I stone yew now okies? Whether ya like eet or no!_

_Floopidy-flippidy-floop!_

_Salacadoosha meeeaaans I'm goin' to Peruuu!_

_Once I stone your asses when I say_

_Bibbidi-bobbedi-boo!"_

_Then suddenly, a flock of faerie Petpets gathered around, encircling Nox to pick up the chorus as he went into some break dancing. Ending their part with a little twirl in midair, the Petpets went on their merry way, as the evil Chia picked up where he left off, faeries staring at him in befuddlement._

_"Bibbidi-bobbidi_

_Flibbidi-flobbidi_

_Shmibbidi-shmobbidi_

_Dibbidi-dobbidi_

_Derbiddi-derbiddi-derp!"_

_Then out of an explosion of overwhelmingly bright and colorful rainbows that could turn anyone gay, the poor Ixi was thrown onto his back and knocked out cold. Hours after the incident, Hanso awoke to find himself staring at a garden full of stone faeries and an excruciatingly painful headache._

"And dat, bitches, is what happened," the devilishly handsome thief finished. "Any questions, comments, concerns?"

The red Skeith was the first to raise his hand. "Duurr… um… I forgot…" Again, the guard received a whack in the head with the Draik's helmet.

"Why… did you switch to third person?" Jazan queried, furrowing his brow in irritation. "I would appreciate it if you stuck to first person."

"Hey, it made it easier for the authoress to tell what happened, even though I was supposed to tell it," Hanso replied, lowering his head to gnaw at the chains binding his wrists.

"I thought you told it…" came the confused voice of King Altador.

"I diiiiiid! And I did a good job and I didn't leave anything out."

"Don't start a sentence with 'and'! It be ungood grammer," Brynn scolded, slapping Hanso across the face like the PMSing bitch she is.

"Altador, messa tinks that whole story was nothing but… a not very true story. I haven't heard such nonsense since I went to see March of the Penguins directed by Morgan Freeman." Jazan cast a mistrusting glance at the Ixi, who appeared to be turning an imaginary steering wheel in the next panel, entertaining the Skeith guard while making the Draik wonder what the hell was wrong with this guy.

"It pretty darn unlikely Hubrid Nox could've done something like this. Let's face it, he sucks." King Altador nodded wisely, his eyes sliding over to Brynn. "What do you think, Brynn? Should we trust him?"

"Hell no!"

"Kay, let's go see Xandra."

"INVISABLE STEERING WHEEL!"

XXX

"Faerie City sure is quiet," the Kyrii stated as he surveyed the ominously empty streets surrounding the group before they entered the library. "It's a good thing it's not dark, otherwise there would be a good chance we could get eaten by a gru."

"Oh, good, they're just stone. I thought they didn't want to talk to me anymore."

"Dude, no one wants to talk to you," a speckled Xweetok said to an old Shenkuun Ogrin.

"Xandra!" the Lupe shouted at the Xweetok, gaining her attention. "There you are!"

"What do you mean 'there you are'? You know I never leave this place," Xandra scolded with a look of scrutiny. "And there is NO shouting in the library! Bad dog!"

King Altador whimpered in submission as he crouched onto the polished marble floor as Xandra whacked him over the head with a rolled up copy of the Neopian Times. "I'm sorry! I won't do it again!"

"No treats for you!"

"Please, Xandra! I beg mercy! And your all-knowing scholarly help!"

"Oh!" The Xweetok immediately ceased beating King Altador. "Sure, what can I do for-STOP!" she shouted, pointing a finger dramatically at Hanso as he attempted to sneak away.

"HAMMER TIME!"

"That dirty swine stole my artifacts this morning!" Xandra bellowed as foam began forming at the corners of her mouth.

"Saaay whaaaaa?" the remaining members of the group said in unison. Before Hanso could make it out the door, Jazan grabbed him by the ponytail and dragged him back kicking and screaming.

"Okay! I admit it! I stole her stuffs before going off to the Faerie Festival!" the thief confessed as he thrashed about like a fish. "… And… I may have sold one of the thingies I stole to Nox."

"Don't start your sentences with 'and'! Wait! What?" After smacking Hanso over the head with Xandra's copy of the Neopian Times, her eyes went round at this revelation.

"Yeah, after I stole your stuff, I gave them to an old college buddy to put them up on Ebay."

"YOU BASTARD! I'MMA KEEL JOO UNTIL YEW IS DED!" the speckled Xweetok roared and prepared to maul Hanso until the king of Altador injected her with a sedative.

"Nox totally wanted to buy this one thingy, so I met him near the garden where the Faerie Festival was being held, and you people know the rest of the story."

"You're a real jerk, Hanso. You know that? Stealing from a helpless girl who knows magical powers that can zap you unconscious," Brynn scolded, waggling a stern finger at the thief.

"Well, do you at least remember what this thing that apparently has the power to turn the faeries into stone looks like?" Jazan asked as he applied a new layer of eyeliner.

Hanso nodded and held up a poorly drawn picture of himself and the circular artifact and a very steamed Xandra.

"I hope you never get a DeviantArt account."


	3. Chapter Three

Pony: All right! Here is the next chapter!

Disclaimer Dude: Pony doesn't own Neopets or any references made in this parody.

**The Faeries Ruined (A Parody of the Faeries' Ruin Plot)**

_Chapter Three_

After receiving the entire story, our heroes, anti-hero, bumbling guards, and old Ogrin came up with a plan to save the faeries of Neopia.

"Let's break into Nox's castle and take the artifact away from him!" King Altador suggested. "After all, I'm sure the awesome and majestic force of my well-groomed beard possesses the ability to overcome his magical powers."

That was when Hanso was swept by a wave of remorse as he realized that he could've stolen the artifact right back when Hubrid Nox was in the middle of chanting. Apparently his eyeballs had fallen out, hence the reason his eyelids were clenched shut the entire time. The young Ixi proceeded to break down in another fit of tears, but no one around him paid any heed.

"Right! Now to the Haunted Woods to get that magical compact mirror!" Jazan shouted as the group made a mad dash out of the library. Since Hanso was too distraught to move himself, the Skeith dragged him along, while the king of Altador carried Xandra since she was still in a drug-induced state.

"What about the faeries in the garden? They're obviously too important to be left unattended when they're frozen in stone," Brynn piped up, looking into the direction from where they came when leaving the Faerieland garden. "Someone might try to cop a feel when no one's looking."

"Don't worry, the authoress will toss in Rorik to look after them," the Draik assured the Kougra.

_Damn straight I will!_

At that, a faerie Grarrl standing at seven feet with a rather muscular and quite sexy body, garbed in the Faerieland palace guard uniform was dropped right in front of the fellowship on his bottom, spear landing right next to him. Rising up from his feet, he brushed himself off and bent over to pick up his weapon.

"HEY! You can't put your own character in a plot!" Jazan bellowed, feeling quite outraged.

_Hey! It's __**MY**__ parody! I can do whatever I want!_

"You're seriously breaking canon!"

_Jazan, I've already broken canon when I started writing this._

"Oh, right… then… how come he gets a better opening description than us?"

_Because a multitude of people reading this will have no effing clue on who Rorik is._

"Excuse me, will anyone mind informing me on what is going on?" the faerie Grarrl asked in a calm and polite tone.

"Oh, sure. This asshole stole a magical compact mirror, sold it to Hubrid Nox and used it to turn all the faeries in Neopia into stone," the old Lupe informed, earning an exasperated expression from Rorik.

"Even Queen Fyora?"

"Especially Queen Fyora!"

_Kay, Rorik, go guard the faeries in the garden while these guys save them. Even though you probably would do a pretty decent job doing it yourself, but that would make you look like a Gary-Stu… probably. Or not. Either way, you're doing the guard work while they do the problem solving and ass kicking._

The Grarrl blinked as the authoress rambled on, but nodded anyway. With determination and stuff, he turned around and broke into a run toward the Faerieland garden.

_And try not to feel up Fyora! Hahaha!_

Rorik did not respond to the teasing comment - though his face flushed a bright shade of red as it was said - as he disappeared into the streets that were unexplainably misty.

"That guy wouldn't feel up any of them would he?" Jazan asked curiously.

_Nah, he would never do that, even though he has a friggin huge crush on Fyora. He's too much of an old-fashioned gentleman to do that. Now… back to the plot!_

The group stood at the edge of the Faerieland cloud, gazing down at the rest of Neopia. Brynn let out an annoyed huff and glared at Altador and Jazan. "How are we supposed to get down?"

"That's easy!" Hanso declared, having now snapped out of his crying fit. "We jump!"

"ARE YOU INSANE?" Brynn hissed at the thief, smacking him across the face with a random meat wrap.

"Don't worry, the authoress will cut to the next scene before we hit the ground, right?"

_Oh, suuuure. There's no way I would let any of you die._

"See?" Hanso grinned smugly, quite proud that he had thought of this brilliant plan.

"There is NO way I'm gonna-"

"No time for talking! We must hurry before Nox stones the Petpets next!"

After being shoved right off the edge of the cloud, the Kougra screamed with rage at the top of her lungs while flailing her arms as if she was trying to defy gravity and aerodynamics and fly right back up. With a shout of "Geronimo", Hanso cannonballed after.

"CRAZY HORSE!" came the voice of King Altador as he executed a perfect swan dive, still keeping a hold of the doped speckled Xweetok.

"RUNNING BEAR!" Jazan leaped off the cloud before a parachute flew out from under his head dress.

"POCAHANTAS!

"DUURR! PETER PAN!"

XXX

"Hanso, we're not dead are we?" Brynn groaned as she slowly rose from the ground.

"No, why? You glad I'm alive?" the sexy Ixi asked with a grin that would make any of his fan girls orgasm on the spot.

"Yes, I'm glad you're alive. Now I can kill you for pushing me off the cloud!"

"Now, now, there's no need to kill anybody. What matters is that we got here without dying first by falling to our death," the old king reasoned calmly before surveying the ominous surroundings of the Haunted Woods. "Now let's just hope we don't bump into those talking trees from _Babes in Toyland_."

"Awww, what's the matter, Altador? Afraid of creepy talking trees?" Jazan teased the Lupe as he stuffed his parachute back into his head dress.

"Yes."

"Hey, think that scary fortress in the clearing with the lightning effects and sinister music and howling Lupes track is Nox's?" Brynn asked, pointing at a towering castle with a sign hanging above the main gate that said 'Nox's Castle'.

"Holy Kau, your observation skills are astounding!" King Altador gasped, clearly impressed with the Kougra.

"Aww, thanks."

Swords drawn, the group cautiously approached the fortress with caution, cautiously with caution.

"This is definitely Nox's castle. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious," Altador warned the fellowship… cautiously.

"Hey, where's Hanso?" Jazan asked, gaining the attention of the others and causing them to look around for the missing thief.

Brynn, being the apparent love interest, was the first to notice the Ixi running off carrying a long pole. "There he goes with that pole."

"Hey! He stole my pole! I need that to practice my pole dancing!" the king shouted lividly, spotting the culprit just in time to see him pole-vaulting over one of the stone walls.

"WHEEEEE!"


End file.
